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The Fake Virtuoso
The Fake Virtuoso is the eighteenth episode of the spin-off, Absorbent Days, and the eighteenth episode of season one. In this episode, after attempting to play his clarinet, Squidward becomes frustrated after numerous attempts to play a simple piece of music. He records his clarinet playing on a record, yet it slips out of the window, plummeting to the ground. SpongeBob’s record also slips out of the window, due to Patrick, plummeting to the ground. SpongeBob sends out to fetch the right record, accidently taking Squidward’s record instead, while Squidward accidently takes SpongeBob’s record. Now Squidward thinks he is a virtuoso, for he picked up SpongeBob’s record of Kelpy G. while SpongeBob picked up Squidward’s record, hearing loads of sour notes. Now, Squidward has gotten himself into a larger mess than he could have ever imagined. Can he get himself out of this? Will SpongeBob see the truth behind Kelpy G. Productions? This episode is paired with Doesn’t Phase Me. Characters *Squidward Tentacles *SpongeBob SquarePants *Gary the Snail (cameos) *Patrick Star (cameos) *Miscellaneous background characters Transcript *''begins with Squidward, practicing his clarinet'' *'Squidward: 'squeaked note; stops playing; throws clarinet in anger ''Oh no! What have I done?! ''and grabs pillow; rushes in front of clarinet, catching it with pillow ''I shouldn't take my anger out on the thing I love most. ''cuts to show Squidward looking at a portrait of his mother; Squidward looks down at the clarinet in pillow ''This thing right here. *'Sound Recorder: off earphones ''What was that? ''digging out ear ''I think you damaged my hearing. ''recorder ''Why don't you try playing better?! This is going to cost me a fortune! I'm out of here! ''of door; looks back in ''At least I think that's what I said. ''out *'''Squidward: ''scoffs Bottom feeder. He asks as if I really need him. ''hands on record ''I can sell this recording myself...when it's legal. ''on disc ''Hmm...a little snug. ''to tug harder ''This is impossible! How am I going to listen to it now?! ''table; record flies out of window ''Nooo! *cuts to SpongeBob, holding a record; Patrick is standing next to him, sleeping'' *'SpongeBob: 'record ''Finally. The Serenade El' Coral, the best-selling single of the great clarinetist, Kelpy G. ''Patrick's back ''Thanks, Patrick. *'Patrick: up ''Huh. ''growls ''Oh, come on, SpongeBob! I was getting to the best part of my dream! The part where you were thanking me for getting you that record. *'SpongeBob: ''on Patrick with hug Oh, thank you again, Patrick. How can I ever repay you. *'Patrick: You could get off of me. being to wiggle ''I'm losing my balance! ''and falls to the ground ''Oof. *'SpongeBob: ''head Well, that happened. ''at record ''At least the record is still safe. And to think, after that fall, we are too. *'Patrick: Not for long! record out of SpongeBob's hand ''Don't worry, buddy. I saved us from that monstrous black bomb! ''SpongeBob onto ground ''But don't worry. I'll save us. ''on SpongeBob *'''SpongeBob: ''muffled But what about Gary?! *'Patrick: Me don't think we have the time to save ol' Gareth, SpongeBob! He had a good run. tear ''He's had a good run. *cuts to the records; Squidward's record is rolling on the ground; SpongeBob's record rolls right by it, onto Squidward's land; SpongeBob's record rolls and lands on Squidward's land'' *'''Squidward: ''out of door Is it still okay?! ''record ''Smells the same. ''it on arm ''Feels the same. ''record similar to boomerang; slices through mailbox; record comes back to Squidward ''Hmm...nothing happened. ''explodes ''Perfect! ''cuts to Squidward, upstairs, about to play the record in his record player ''Now let's listen to my mastery. ''toward "play" button ''Wait! ''up ''I need some tea for this great moment. *cuts to Patrick, piled on top of SpongeBob'' *'SpongeBob: 'muffled ''Patrick, I have a question. *'Patrick: What is it, buddy? *'SpongeBob: '''If that record was really a bomb, then how come it hasn't exploded yet? *'Patrick: 'Hmm. Good question. ''up ''I must've miscalculated the designation of the explosives. *'SpongeBob: 'What does that mean? *'Patrick: 'I have no idea, but you must get your record! It's out there! In the cold! You must get it! ''up SpongeBob *'''SpongeBob: ''pans as SpongeBob lands on his record Oh, here it is. ''on back; extends arms, lifting the record with hands; retracts arms ''Hmm...looks like it's okay. ''record on arm ''Feels strong enough. Now for the true test. ''record like a boomerang; the record slices through several buildings; flies back to SpongeBob's hand; Squidward's house collapses *'Squidward: 'tea brewer ''SpongeBob, you're going to pay for this! ''running on air ''I better get upstairs! ''stops ''Wait. Is there an upstairs? ''down; begins falling and yells; lands on record player ''There she is. ''toward play button ''It's time to listen to my masterpiece. ''play ''Get ready. ''beautiful clarinet playing ''Whoa! This...sounds...up amazing! ''dancing and laughing ''This sounds just like Kelpy G's Serenade El' Coral, which was the exact piece I was trying to play. ''twirls ''Oh, I knew I was a virtuoso! *'Voice: In your dreams, Squid-paste! *'''Squidward: ''at window Oh yeah, citizen?! You'll see! I'll be the greatest virtuoso this ocean has ever seen. ''at window pane ''How do I have a window pane? ''pushes Squidward to ground Oof. My neck. *''cuts to SpongeBob, placing his record in the record player'' *'SpongeBob: 'record around in fingers ''Time to listen to the Holy Coral of musicians, huh, Gary? ''rotates out of fingers ''Look out, Patrick. *'Patrick: Huh? What? around; body's elasticity bounces the record back to SpongeBob; rubs tummy ''Ha ha. It tickles as if...if were...ha ha...tickling. *'SpongeBob: ''record Now it's time to listen to it, huh, Gary? *'Gary: on ground; wakes up ''Meow? Meow? *'SpongeBob: ''"play" button Let's listen to her. *'Record Player: Please wait while this record buffers. *'''SpongeBob: ''at watch; sighs This may take some time. *card appears; 5 hours later'' *'SpongeBob: 'snoring ''This is taking forever. ''snoring ''This is taking forever. ''snores *'Record Player: '''Hey, Sponge! The record finished buffering five hours ago! The buffering only takes about thirty seconds! *'Gary: Meow meow. snail goo at SpongeBob ''Meow. ''again ''Meow meow. ''one last time, waking SpongeBob *'SpongeBob: '''Huh? What? ''play button; hears an abundance of squeaked notes ''Hey! This isn't my Kelpy G! At least I don't think it is. Patrick, show me the packaging! *'Patrick: ''around Huh? Oh, sorry. I didn't get a receipt for the record, SpongeBob. I ate all of the paper ''tummy ''before they could print it out. *'SpongeBob: Not the receipt, Patrick. The packaging. hits SpongeBob's face ''Well, you didn't have to throw it at me, Patrick. ''pops back out to original form ''Yep. Here it is. ''pans down to small print ''It is produced by Kelpy G...well...Productions. ''box away ''Onward ''onto Gary's shell ''to Kelpy G. Headquarters. *'Gary: 'Meow meow! ''SpongeBob off of shell *''cuts to Squidward, watching his television'' *'''Squidward: ''record on finger, spinning it This is the life. ''back on couch; turns channel on television ''Soon I'll have servants that can do all of this stuff for me. ''to channel *'Television: '''Welcome back to the Kelpy G. Network. Before we went to commercial, we were discussing the Kelpy G. contest, a contest in which you can earn the spotlight at Kelpy G's opening concert. *'Squidward: off button on remote, turning off television ''This is almost too easy. ''back in sofa ''Well, I better get to it. ''up; holds back in pain ''Ow! My back! ''back; sighs ''Whoa. This is hard. *cuts to the audition center; Squidward is standing in line'' *'''Squidward: ''yawns This is taking forever. *'Male Fish 1: Hey, watch it, buddy! trombone ''You nearly got your yawn air on my trombone. ''at Squidward ''Watch your mouth. *'Squidward: 'Watch your mouth before something white comes out of it. ''fish and Squidward growl at each other *'Male Fish 2: '''Next! Next person in line! *'Squidward: ''male fish down; runs to desk I'm next, Mr. Manager. ''contract on the desk ''There you go, maestro. Feast on the greatness that is my contract, and don't hesitate to beg at my very feet for me to join your little or-clam-stra. It is with great honor that... *'Male Fish 2: contract back at Squidward's face ''You didn't get the job, squid! Next! *'Squidward: 'Wait? What? ''ear right on Male Fish 2's mouth ''What was that again? Just to make sure I heard you. *'Male Fish 2: ''whispers Oh, okay. ''air; yells ''You didn't...inhales...get...inhales...the part!! ''blows Squidward into wall *'Squidward: 'up ''This doesn't make any sense. ''angry ''This is anarchy! ''around room ''I have more talent than the entire seven seas combined! You can't banish me like that! *'Female Fish 1: mockingly ''Oh yeah, well prove it. *'Squidward: 'I will! ''playing squeaked notes terribly; the sound causes all of the fish to scramble out of the building; the maestro is pinned to the wall *'''Male Fish 2: ''places a check next to Squidward Tentacles on paper You got the part. Just get out of here with that...to clarinet torture device. *'Squidward: I knew you would sooner or later recognize my talents sooner or later. out of building with confidence *'Male Fish 2: '''I guess I am in the wrong line of work. *cuts to SpongeBob, at Kelpy G. Productions'' *'SpongeBob: '''Can't you see?! This specifically says that it was produced by Kelpy G. Productions! ''up package ''Right there! *'Female Fish 2: 'We know, sir. We have no idea why the record sounds like a clam choking on a piece of coral. It's just very perplexing. *'Patrick: 'Ah ha! A confession! *'SpongeBob: 'Hold it, Patrick. ''at record ''There's something on the record. ''fine print ''I think it says "Property of Squidward Tentacles". No wonder it sounds so terrible. It was Squidward. We have to return this to him. *'Patrick: 'I'll catch up with you. ''at Female Fish 2 suspiciously ''I have a few more questions for this missy. ''exits ''Tell me what you did with the real record...or you'll be dealing with these two babies. ''up fists *'''Female Fish 2: ''plainly Security! *cuts to Squidward, backstage with his clarinet'' *'Squidward: '''This is it, Susie. This is the moment where we shine. This is where we prove that we have the talent this town is looking for. The time where we show Kelpy that we are just as good as he is! ''up record ''And just to prove it, let's play our record again. ''record into record player; hears beautiful clarinet ''Wait until the crowd hears this. ''on water; faceplants onto record; record and Squidward slam into wall; record breaks; only one piece remains on the record; Squidward catches it ''Oh no! My record! ''calmly ''No matter. I'll just record another. ''at fine print ''Huh? What's this? "Property of Kelpy G."?! *'Voice: calmly ''What? ''pans up a squid's legs to reveal Kelpy G. ''You stole my record? ''it back ''That's an easy way to get a calm trip to prison. Lucky for you, I want to see your clarinet talents. Get on that stage, little squid. ''Squidward onto stage *''cuts to reveal SpongeBob, on the roof, with Squidward's true record'' *'SpongeBob: '''Here we go, Gary. Time to give Squidward his record back. ''rope around record, and sends it onto record player *'''Squidward: ''cuts to Squidward; gulps Okay. ''sighs ''Time to knock them down with their talents. ''in breath *''cuts to record player, where it begins to play Squidward's sour notes'' *'Squidward: 'clarinet from face; looks back at record player in shock ''What's that terrible noise? *'Crowd: Boo! Boo! throwing food at Squidward ''Boo! Boo! ''runs off of stage *'SpongeBob: '''Yay, Gary! ''Gary ''The crowd loved it! So much, they're booing as a sign to show how scared they are from how great the music was. *cuts to Squidward, watching television the next day; appears to have been sobbing'' *'Squidward: '''Well, I guess my fame in the world of music is just like what's in the back of the Krusty Krab. ''sniffles ''Garbage. ''crying *'''News Reporter: ''television Breaking news! Squidward Tentacles' fiasco last night at the Bikini Bottom Or-Clam-Stra House of Arts. What was thought to be a tragic night...sniffles was not! ''jumps onto feet *'Squidward: '''What?! *'News Reporter: That's right. Found behind stage was a recording from a hoax recording company. The record claims it was the property of Mr. Tentacles, yet it was all just sound editing. Therefore, there is absolutely no proof that Mr. Tentacles is a terrible musician. *'''Squidward: ''off television I knew I was talented. ''out clarinet; begins playing; camera pans out of Squidward's house *''ends with the sound of Squidward's clarinet playing'' Category:Absorbent Days Category:Absorbent Days Episodes: Season One Category:Absorbent Days Episodes Category:Episodes Category:2013 Category:Transcripts Category:Episode Transcripts